RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE FISH JOKES OF THE WEEK Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year. A German, a Gazan and an Israeli go fishing. They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed. "I wish," said the Gazan, "For a wall to be built around Gaza, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out." The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?" "Is there a wall around Gaza?" asks the Israeli "Yes." replies the fish. "Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?" "Yes." "And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?" "Yes." Well then," says the Israeli, "I want you to fill it with water." I went to the Israeli fish restaurant yesterday and told the waiter my fish was dry. The waiter said they had to take it out of the water. An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing. when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!” At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the LochNess monster either!” I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin. Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. Yankel gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish. Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish? Yankel: no sir. These are all my pet fish Warden: your pet fish? How’s that? Yankel: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night. Warden: well that’s just a crock of lies!! Yankel: here, I’ll show you... (releases the fish into the lake). Warden: well this I gotta see!! (5 minutes later...) Warden: well?? Yankel: what? Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish?? Yankel: what fish?? Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom! What do you call a fish stuck in a tree? A fish stick!. "Hello, I need to make an insurance claim, a fish have damaged my car." "... a fish? We'll have to inspect the vehicle first. Where is it parked?" "In the lake." A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir! Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle." As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'" A rabbi, a Chasid and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The Rabbi tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement. 30minutes later, the Chasid says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The Priest is absolutely dumbfounded! The Priest keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand on the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The Rabbi and Chasid help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the Rabbi turns to the Chasid and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?" What's the difference between a compulsive person and a fat person? One has OCD and the other has OBCD I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day. I'm tired of being fat every day.
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