| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE AMERICAN JOKES OF THE WEEK If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language? An American. How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon? 4. Why are Americans so uneducated? Because they shoot all the ones who go to school Knock knock? Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you would never forget… What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting. What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine? An immigrant. What's the difference between Americans and the engines of the El Al plane on which they travel here on? After they land, the engines of the jets quit whining. Transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations: Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, "Ask them where we are!" So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, "By the way, where are we?" The attendant answers, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, "Where are we?" "He doesn't speak English" replies the husband. An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends. "Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians." The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French – and the customers are all Americans." Why did the American bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house! Why did the American bring a suitcase to the restaurant? They heard it was an "all-you-can-eat" buffet! I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world. What's the difference between an American and an Israeli? To an Israeli 100 miles is a long way. To an American, 100 years is a long time A young Mexican man was curious about America so he snuck across the border. He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me, and said, "Jose, can you see?"
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