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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE LUGGAGE JOKES OF THE WEEK
I just told my luggage there will be no vacations this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage. I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case. Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours. A worst case scenario. Or alternatively… A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him... "I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!" "It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario". A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light." Shaindel was flying home from Israel on a recent trip and looked rather haggard looking after getting off the plane walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' Shaindel said with a weary sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.'' My friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour It was a brief case. If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage? Or would I have to carry on my wayward son? (PS I love you if you got that one…) At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel. He slowly came around. Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise. Yankel is a professional smuggler and every day he arrives at the border, on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack. Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?" Yankel: "No." Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?" Yankel: "Sand." During the check it turns out: actually sand. Every day for a whole week Yankel comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. On the eighth day, the customs officer becomes suspicious. Customs officer: "What do you have in the sack?" Yankel: "Just sand." Customs officer: "Hmm, let's see..." This time, he sand is sifted. Result: just sand. The man continues to visit the border every day. Two weeks later, the border guard has enough and sends the sand to the lab. Result: just sand. After another month of "sand transports", the customs officer can't stand it any longer and asks Yankel: "I'll give it to you in writing that I won't tell anybody, but you're smuggling something. Please tell me what!" Yankel: "Bicycles..." Berel, an older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life. His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them. On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin. "What is this?" he asks. "Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I'm bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!" The guard lets him through, and he is able to go on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin. "What is this?" he asks. "Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself the the mistakes of the past." The guard lets him through, and he is able to go into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying. After reuniting with them, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, "Papa, who is this?" Berel smiles and says, "my son, don't ask me *who* this is, ask me *what* this! This, my son, is 18 pounds of gold!" Why did the little knight put his lance in the luggage? For joust in case. An Brit, a Frenchman, an Israeli, and a Palestinian are in a flight when one of the plane's engines fails. The crew throw all the luggage on the plane off to lighten the load, but they are still too heavy. The pilot goes on the intercom and says that 3 people need to jump off the plane to save everyone else. The Brit stands up and says, "God save the king!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Frenchman gets up and says, "Viva la France!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Israeli stands up, grabs the Palestinian by the shoulder, and shouts "Free Palestine from the River to the Sea!"
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