RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE MEDITATION JOKES OF THE WEEK What do you call a meditation retreat? A concentration camp… (we're off to a bad start..) I tried to get a job teaching meditation. But I didn't have a good inner view If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes. A man's wife decides to take up meditation, among other things The man asked his wife why she was doing meditation. And she answered that she was feeling lost and trying to find herself. So the man went and printed out a map of their local area, then made a pen mark where their house was on the map with a caption that said "You are here". Then presented the map put in a picture frame to his wife. A pond would tell you about introspection. if it wasn't so busy self-reflecting. I bought my wife a book on Mindfulness...... but she didn't appreciate the present. A Dolphin meets the Buddha. The Buddha says you may ask me any question young dolphin and I shall answer for you. The Dolphin thinks about what he should ask and after several minutes of soul searching he ask the Buddha "What is my Porpoise in life?" I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing. Yankel has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Yankel replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.” The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Yankel looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.” A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very quietly, breaks his chant. "moo." The monk stops for a moment, and without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again. Slightly longer this time, he's interrupted again, "moooo." The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation." The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues. "Oooooommmm-" Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo." "Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill." The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-" "MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims. The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?" The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards! Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds. "Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!" But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPads. Shaken by this intrusion of the outside world into monastic life, he sought out the abbot. The abbot looked up from his phone, greeted the man and asked if he had a question. "Abbot, I came here expecting a place free from distraction, and yet I see distraction all around. Tell me, is it now acceptable for monks to spend their time answering emails?" "Of course," said the abbot, "provided there are no attachments." The Police Officer fronted the press conference. "A major incident happened at the Goodsprings Buddhism and Yoga Retreat this morning. To put it frankly, it was a bloodbath,” explained the Commissioner. A sea of hands go up from the journalists. “When did this happen, and why?” asked the first. The Commission replied “Pre-meditation.”
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