| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE PREGNANT JOKES OF THE WEEK Chaim and Suri were not blessed with children for many years of marriage. So they to go see their Rebbe for a blessing. The Rebbe tells them they came at the right time, since he just made plans to go to Uman to daven at grave of Rebbi Nachman, and he's leaving tomorrow. 'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises. Time passes and the Rebbe returns to the shtetl after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The Rebbe counts as many as ten of them! 'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the Rebbe. 'It seems like Hashem listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?' 'My husband traveled to Uman,' says the wife with a tired look on her face. 'To Uman? Why on earth would he go to Uman?' 'To blow out that bloody candle you lit… A pregnant woman is hit by a car. She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says, "My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' " 55 years ago today I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time. Today's my birthday She went back a few years later when she again had twins and fell into a coma this time when she awoke she was again told by the nurse that she no longer pregnant. "Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said. "That's great! Who named them?" She asked. "Your husband did this time. He named the boy Jason." "I like that. What about the girl?" "Jadaughter." For our third set of twins my wife went into a coma again. This time when she woke up I proudly told her myself that Hashem had blessed us with identical twin girls. My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls. She asked me what I named them and seemed relieved when I told her that the first one's name was Kate. The second one though she didn't seem that pleased about. I called her DupliKate. There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant. My wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy. A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!" The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand." The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!" The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor. "Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions." A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried. He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' " So she starts doing so. But as the pregnancy goes on, her husband's attitude gets worse. Instead of supporting her he gets more angry, more often, being super rude ask the time and really stressing her out. She starts to rub her belly more and more often. Instead of once a day it becomes two times, three times, ten times, a hundred, till she is almost constantly rubbing and reciting "be polite, be polite, be polite." The due date arrives, no sign of the birth. A few days pass, not a contraction to be felt. Weeks turn into months, months turn into years, no baby is born. Eventually she dies at the ripe old age of 92. The medical examiner conducting her autopsy cuts open her belly and discoverers two old men with long white beards saying "After you, " "No, no, after you. A pregnant wife told her husband "John you may name our daughter anything you want but please not Ella." John not paying attention asked "Why not Ella?" The wife said "It doesn't matter, but please I am begging you, not Ella" The confused husband when filling out the birth certificate wrote "Nutella" A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a moment. "...Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it." Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?! Doctor: No, it just looks like you are. And that's why Doctor's shouldn't have a sense of humor… A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups? How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy (was debating whether to put that in there… but after writing about how much we have to not be sacred to make fun of avoda zara religions I went for it 😊) What do cannibals call pregnant women? Kinder surprise My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright." The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked. "Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup." "Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?" "You wont get it." She laughed. "It's an inside joke."
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