| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE TRAIN JOKES OF THE WEEK My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track." A pessimist sees a dark tunnel An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel A realist sees a freight train The train driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks A Guy sat next to me on the train. He pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optometrist!" I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...." I asked, "Are you single?" She replied, "No, I am a dentist." A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by some miracle, he ends up surviving. Seeing as he technically served his sentence, he is released from prison, where he gets a job as a train conductor. This time, he ends up killing three people while on the job and is sentenced to the electric chair. The day comes, and for his last meal, he asks for two bananas. He finishes them and gets strapped to the chair, but he ends up surviving the electrocution again. He was released from prison for the same reason as before. He gets another job as a train conductor and ends up killing four people this time. He is sentenced to the electric chair again, and for his last meal, he asks for three bananas. He finishes his meal and gets strapped to the chair. The guards shock him for longer than necessary and use more power, but he ends up surviving again. The guards, all surprised, ask him, "How do you keep surviving every time? And why do you keep ordering bananas, do they save you?" The man replies, "It has nothing to do with the food, I'm just a really bad conductor." Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains? I was told he has a loco motive. How does a train hear another train coming? With its engin-ears. A tourist was riding the train across Israel when suddenly everything started rocking violently. People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again. When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine car and asked the conductor what had happened. The conductor replied "We hit an Arab." The man couldn't believe it. "You mean hitting a person caused that?!" The conductor looked at him and explained "Well he was in the ditch, but we got him anyways." What's the difference between a teacher and a train?? The teacher tells you to to spit out the gum, while the other says "chew-chew!". My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'here comes the train', and we always used to eat it straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks. A few months ago, my wife and I were taking a nice walk down an old dirt road during the heat of the summer day. All of a sudden, I stopped and looked around. My wife was a little hesitant as to what I was doing. I slowly moved towards the railroad tracks ahead of us and knelt down, putting my hand on the steel. I looked both ways, sniffed my fingers, and contemplated for a few seconds. I turned and looked at my wife and told her that a train has been through here. She looked confused and asked how I knew. I told her, pointing to the railroad, "Because there are its tracks". Shaking her head, she let out a sign of disappointment as she turned her back and walked away. I giggled.
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