RABBI SCHWARTZ’S TERRIBLE AFTERLIFE JOKES OF THE WEEK
Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife? It's called Pasta Way. A killer Dies and meets his victim in the Afterlife. The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense." The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense." A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding. They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by the angel. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven. The angel scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know. Well he’s gone for a very long time, days at least. The young couple were starting to worry when the angel finally returns. He looks very flustered. “Yes, you can get married.” He says. So the couple go into heaven, get married, and enjoy the afterlife. However not long after they begin to realize how terrible eternity with the other person would be and decide to divorce. They go to the angel and asks if they can get a divorce in Heaven. The angel throws down his quill and growls in consternation. “Do you know how long it took me to find a priest up here?! Now imagine how hard it’ll be to find a lawyer!” So a Rabbi walks up to an atheist and says afterlife. The atheist stares and says I don't get it. The priest says I know. Our local cemetery reported problems with kids going into the cemetery at night to take flowers off graves so they can sell them on street corners the next morning. I have a hard time believing this, but I did see a kid selling flowers this morning with a sign that said "reincarnations, $10.00" How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife? You have to C4 yourself. An Anti-Vaxer goes and arrives at the gates of heaven. Upon meeting God, she asks him a question. "Do vaccines really work?" God replied simply with, "Yes." The Anti-Vaxer mumbled to herself, "The lies do spread that far..." My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife. So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father." Then she smiled, so I punched her. "What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked. "It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium." Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where the angel gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife. One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit. "That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces." "Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill. "No, I was the captain of the Titanic." Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks. Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once." People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them, “There’s no whey in hell. Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy." It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..." A Doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife. God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says, ”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,” God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been a great protector of my whole family,” God says, ”That’s great why don’t you take the seat on my left,” The cat walks in and says to God,” You're in my seat,” |
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