| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S REALLY TERRIBLE VACATION JOKES OF THE WEEK Where do math teachers go on vacation? To time square. There was a World press media bus that went on a vacation by bus. The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm. The following day the police question the farmer: - Did you not find any victims? - Actually, I did. - And where are they? - Well, I buried them. - Every reporter died?! - Some of them said they didn't, but I don't believe a word of what they say anymore... My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation... In the end, we settled it with an altercation. Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota." The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, "Actually, we went to Texas." For her birthday I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over. Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge. Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'd enjoy a vacation as regular people. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a swimsuit came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same blonde, wearing a different colored swimsuit, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' "Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Agatha!" Shaindy's on vacation and calls home. She asks her husband Yankel, "How's my cat doing?" Yankel says, "The cat's dead." Shaindy is all upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can't enjoy my vacation now. You could've just said a little white lie, like the cat's on the roof and you can't get her down." "Okay, I'm sorry," says the Yankel, "I'll remember that." Shaindy then asks "Anyway, how's my mother doing?" Yankel says, "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down." A few years back when I've been on vacation in the Alps, my wife got pregnant. The year after that, a vacation in the Rockies, my wife got pregnant. Two years after that, a vacation in Aruba, my wife got pregnant. And another vacation's coming up…..." "So what are you going to do?" "I think I'm going to have to take her with me this year, just in case" (yeahhh Yeahh.. I know it's a bit nisht… but couldn't resist… A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" A young man is vacationing in Spain. when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game. The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hostels that dot the country. It should be pretty boring, he thinks, but he ends up becoming more and more enthralled. Finally, after the thrilling finish of a round, the now-hooked traveller approaches the bartender. "Hey," he hurriedly says, "can I join the next game?" The bartender arches a bushy eyebrow. "Really? Feeling swept up in the trivia?" The young man nods. "I'm as surprised as you are, honestly. I wouldn't have expected that I'd want to play so bad." The bartender sighs and nods. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Quiz itch, son." Another man vacations in Spain, while he's there, he decides to get a tattoo to remember the trip by. Just his luck, though, the tattoo get infected. The local who has been showing him around notices the next day and offers to lend a hand. "I know a guy who specializes in this exact thing," the local says. "He's a friend of mine and I'm sure he'll help you out." "Really?" the tourist asks. "I would never expect you to know someone who specializes specifically in tattoo related medical issues." The local turns to him and simply says, "Of course, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Physician (and you thought the previous joke was bad… wait for the next one..) A man is on vacation in Spain. He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar. Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken. Amused and figuring he couldn't lose to a bird he accepts. The bartender places the hen on the counter and the contest begins. To his astonishment the hen wins decisively. He forfeits his bet with good grace. "I gotta say I did not think I was going to lose a trivia game to a bird." He says. The innkeeper laughs "Nobody expects the Spanish inn quiz whizz hen" My wife and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me. *************************************** The answer to this week"s question is A- Another one right! Baruch Hashem. We're getting back into a decent passing score zone. The first part is easy. Of course it's the Shitta tree which was used in the building of the Mishkan although the ones you see here are certainly not big enough. As far as part B though, I wasn't totally sure. But being that Har Tavor has lots of those trees. And I didn't think they cut them down as they did in other places I went with that lower Galil area and sure enough was right! So the score is now Rabbi Schwartz 18.5 Ministry of Tourism 10.5 on this exam so far. Insights & Information is sent to e-mail addresses that of have been submitted to the Rabbi Schwartz. To unsubscribe at any time, I send an e-mail to rabbschwartz@yahoo.com with the words "unsubscribe insights" in the Subject line and/or the first line of text. If you know of anyone that may be interested in receiving this newsletter feel free to pass this on to them...
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