| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE BURIAL JOKES OF THE WEEK The lawyer called his client overseas "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order embalming or cremation or simple burial?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three." An old Jewish woman, on her 80th birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and to ask him for advice on a few points, chief amongst them is her request that she not be buried in a Jewish cemetery. "But why Mrs. Epstein?" the rabbi asks. "You don't want to be buried with the rest of our people?" "No," Mrs. Epstein said resolutely. "I want to be buried at Bloomingdales." "Bloomingdales?!" the rabbi said in disbelief. "Yes. Then I'll be sure that my daughters will visit me at least twice a week!" A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians. Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me. Last Chanuka, at his shivgger's birthday party Moishie opened presents from his mother in law and she asks, "where's my Chanuka present?" He says, "I didn't get you anything this year." Visibly upset, she asks why. He says, "you never used what I got you last year." She yells, " it was a burial plot!" How do you enter an ancient Egyptian burial chamber? You just give a Tut-an-khamen. I saw an ad for burial plots on Har HaMenuchos, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Yankel and his wife Suri were always fighting each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. Suri would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.' Neighbors feared her and she liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??' Yankel put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down. Recently people are preferring cremation over burial. Guess they are thinking "Outside the box"! A University poses the following question to the best student in each subject: A train crashes on the border between France and Germany. Where do you bury the survivors? The Physics student replied saying that, since a border is a 2 dimensional object and humans are 3D, they would have to be buried in both France and Germany simultaneously. The Law student stated that the families would have to decide the burial locations, therefore the question is unanswerable. The Mathematics student put forward that they would have to calculate the shortest distance from the crash site to the closest cemetery, therefore the answer is the country with the nearest burial site. Finally Dovid the Jewish Talmudic student sitting in the back of the class gets up and states that the answer is nowhere. Because why would you bury the survivors? Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes." "Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace." "What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked. "It contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him." "The 2nd envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky." "And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends. "The 3rd envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. So I did." Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?
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