RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE POVERTY JOKES OF THE WEEK When someone says "I got it" In Baltimore it means Covid In NY it means the vaccine In Lakewood it means the stimulus check And in Miami it means the restaurant dinner reservation. A wealthy man threw a party in honor of his son's graduation from university. Yankel the local shnorrers happened to be in the vicinity, and joined the party. Amidst all the commotion he was let in and seated at the far end of the table. "Son," the wealthy man said, "share with us some of the great knowledge that you have acquired in the university." "Well," began the son, "Copernicus proved that the earth turns on its axis." "That is false!" came the objection from the poor man at the other end of the table. "How do you know? Prove it!" shouted the student. "It is very simple," replied the beggar. "If the earth turned on its axis, then the food that was placed at the head of the table would have by now come to this side of the room." A beggar told Rothschild that since the orchestra had been dismantled all he had was bad luck. "What instrument did you play,"? Asks Rothschild. "The bassoon," was the answer." "Wow that's my favorite," declared Rothschild. "Here is my bassoon, play something for me." "I told you all I have is bad luck," replies the poor man. "What do you mean,"? Asks Rothschild. "Well, from all the hundreds of instruments I had to pick the one you own." President Biden was invited to visit a poor African country. A soccer match was arranged between two local teams in honour of Trump's visit. During the match, the Prime Minister of the country explained about the poverty his country was facing. Biden listened intently and said "Mr PM, I've seen enough and I fully understand the extent of the poverty you are facing. You have my word that you will be getting help soon" The next day the Prime Minister receives a huge container and a note which said 'From your friend Joe Biden'. The Prime Minister was very happy and immediately opened the container. To his surprise, the container was full of soccer balls. He decided to give Biden a call. " Mr Biden why did you send me all these balls? What does it mean? " Biden replies "I understood how poor you were when I firsthand witnessed 22 of your men fighting over a ball. Now everyone in your country can have one". Igor a Russian government official and a Ahmed his Palestinian counterpart met each other at a conference. they soon became good friends and exchanged their business cards. "If you ever come to Russia call me and we can hang out!" said Igor. "Really? Cool! Same to you. If you ever come to Palestine call me and we can hang out!" says Ahmed 6 months later, Ahmed comes to Russia remembering about Igor and decides to call him. "Hey, I'm in Russia, want to hang out today?" he asks. "Sure! Just a question, where are you staying?" Igor asks. "The Hilton." Ahmed replies. "Pack your things and meet me at the front. You can live with me for your trip." "Sounds good." Igor pulls up to the hotel with a BMW, the latest model. Ahmed gets in and Igor takes him on the freeway to his condo. On the freeway, Ahmed admires the beautiful scenery. Once at the condominium, Ahmed is impressed at how big the condo is: 5 rooms, 3 bathrooms, and much more that he was baffled about. Ahmed goes to the master bedroom and asks "You are just a Russian official, how do you have enough?" Igor tells him to come to the window and asks, "What do you see outside?" "Houses, apartments, and people." "You see that freeway? Yeah, I took 10% of the funds and pocketed it". Fast forward 3 months when the Igor comes to visit the West Bank. "Hey, I just got to Palestine, want to go grab food later?" he asks. "Sure! Where are you staying?" the Ahmed asks. "The Ramallah Hilton." Igor replies. "Well, pack your things and meet me at the front because you are going to be living with me." "Great, I'll get ready." Ahmed pulls up to the hotel with a Lamborghini. Igor gets in and Ahmed takes him. Igor is really excited, wanting to see the beautiful place Ahmed lives. They drive and drive when suddenly the road turns into a muddy unpaved road, filled with mud. Broken shanties and children running around. Igor is shocked until they get to the Ahmed's place: a mansion. The mansion is gorgeous, 35 bedrooms, completed with a slide to the pool from the 2nd floor to the 1st. Igor goes to the master bedroom and checks the toilet, in disbelief. The toilet seat is pure gold. He then asks, "You are just a Palestinian official, how do you have enough?" Ahmed tells him to come to the window and asks, "What do you see outside?" "Huts, poverty, and barren wasteland." "You see that dirt road? I took 100%." Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever. I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor. The Canadian government spends more time and money taking care of other countries than its own people in poverty. You may think I'm wrong but it's Trudeau How do you solve world hunger and poverty simultaneously? By feeding the poor to the hungry. The presidents of Serbia, Mexico and the United States were each granted the ability to ask God one question... The Serbian president first went up to God , and asked, "Father, when will my country finally be rid of poverty and corruption? God paused, and then answered, "In 300 years, my son." The Serbian president began to weep, "I won't live to see that day!" Next the Mexican president went up to God and asked, "Lord, when will *my* country finally be rid of poverty and corruption?" God answered him, "In 500 years, my son." The Mexican president sank to his knees and began to weep. "I won't live to see the day." Finally, the US president swaggered up confidently to God and asked, "Hey, God, when will my country be rid of poverty and corruption?" Then God began to weep. "I won't live to see the day." A poor village family was visiting the big city for the very first time in their lives. The father and son walked into a tall building and stood in awe. The son pointed at two metal doors and asked his father what they were. The father had no idea. Suddenly the two doors slid open and a little old lady, leaning on her cane, walked slowly through the metal doors as they slid closed behind her. A few minutes passed. The light on the metal door rang and the door reopened. Out stepped a beautiful young woman, who briskly walked to the front door. The father, hardly believing his eyes, whispered to his son, "Quickly, go get Mommy!" A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!" |
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