RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE DOG JOKES OF THE WEEK Where do Jewish dogs go to pray? The Synadogue
What do you give an angry Jewish dog? A muzzle-tov! A guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. He tells the bartender, "I got a Jewish dog named Moishe. He's so smart he actually talks. Can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal," replied the bartender, "but if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, well, let's just say you don't wanna find out.'' ''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay, Moishe. Tell me – what is on top of a house?'' ''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender. ''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!'' ''Okay, Moishe. Tell me – how does sandpaper feel?'' ''Ruff!" ''What the heck you tryin' to pull, mister?'' said the bartender. ''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question. Okay, Moishe, tell me – who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?'' "RRRuth." The bartender had enough and picked up the guy and his dog and threw them onto the sidewalk outside of the bar. Moishe stands up and looks at his owner. "Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Benny's dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi. "Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog's grave?"
The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for animals." Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi." "So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi over the road," says the rabbi. As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns to the rabbi and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate £1,000 for such a service." At which point the rabbi shouts, "Come back, come back." Benny turns round and says, "I thought you couldn't help me." "Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't tell me your dog was Orthodox." One early winter morning, an old Chassid was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard to stay afloat. The old Chassid jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, "That was so very brave of you! Are you a vet?" The old Chassid replied, "Of course I'm vet! I'm freezing cold as vell!" Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele". Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?" "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say? A little old lady get on a plane. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her. A stewardess approaches and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage." She agrees. What else can she do? During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know. When the plane lands and she goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", she exclaims. "Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings." "This is not my dog", she insists. "How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain. "My dog is dead I was taking it to Israel to bury it." And Adam said, "Oh Lord, you do not visit me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and it's getting hard for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "OK, I will create you a companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you." And God created a new animal for Adam and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Oh Lord, I can't think of a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom have already been assigned." And God said, "OK, because I created this animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a good companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. Later, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility." And the Lord said, "OK, I will create another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT. And Cat would not obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other. Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem." Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem." "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Shloimeh and he can talk," says Morty. "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks. "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Shloimeh, Fetch!" Shloimeh the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkakta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!" Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?" Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'kvetch.'" |
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