| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE DIVORCE JOKES OF THE WEEK What is the number one cause of divorce in America? Marriage. My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house. My wife divorced me because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back! My wife is furious that I don't clean the coffee from the machine after I am done with it. Grounds for divorce. Yankel and his Bella are having an argument again. Bella yells, "Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!"Then, as her Yankel is walking out the door, she screams, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"Yankel stops and says, "Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?" Why did the wife divorce the baker? Because he was too kneady. Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced. It's as if they were polar opposites. If marriage is grand, what is divorce? Ten grand! Why did the cat get divorced? He was a cheetah. A divorce court judge said to Berel who was divorcing his wife "I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," he replied. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Divorced couples in New York are having trouble deciding who gets the marijuana…The judges have started issuing joint custody. A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?" "Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees." "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage." The lawyer, getting exasperated: "Does he beat you up?" "No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work." "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "We just can't seem to communicate." A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced…They fought tooth and nail. Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah. "Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon, darling?""Oh mom," Sarah replies, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..." Then Sarah starts to cry. "Oh mom, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mom, get into your car now and come and take me home." "Calm down, darling," says Leah, "Tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used." "Please mom, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away," says Sarah. "But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were." Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mom, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..." What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo? May divorce be with you. Why did the stockbroker not get upset when her wife divorced her? Because she's got lots of options. Why did the geologist's wife leave him? He took her for granite. I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce. I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much. I divorced my cross-eyed wife. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side. Why are relationships similar to algebra? Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y. Rifka and Beckie are talking about their children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is. Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor." Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that." Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer." Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches from just one daughter! My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. | 
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