RABBI SCHWARTZ'S FUNNY SHABBOS JOKES OF THE WEEK Yitzy and Henya, a young orthodox couple, were expecting their first baby. Suddenly, Henya's water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward. Because Yitzy wanted to try and minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver. The taxi quickly arrived, but when Yitzy and Henya were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?" Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. A neighbor, a very friendly and generous black woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered, "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?" The neighbor thanked her and with the ticket in hand, made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name "Sadie Cohen.". The conductor asked, "Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen , the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative. More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?" The black lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos? Rabbi Bloom was in the park one Sunday when he meets three members of his Synagogue who have not attended services in some time. They are a little embarrassed, but he encourages them to come to shul. Next Shabbos they make an appearance, but because they turn up some time after service began, all the main seats are filled. Several other latecomers were already seated on folding chairs. Rabbi Bloom calls over the Shammas. "Moishe, please get three chairs for our guests in the back." Moishe is a bit deaf so he leans closer and says, "I beg your pardon, Rabbi?" Rabbi Bloom again says, "Get three chairs for our guests in the back." Moishe was puzzled but as there was a lull in the service, he goes to the front of the shull and loudly announces, "The Rabbi says, 'Give three cheers for our pests in the back!'" Yankel listened to the Rebbe at shul one Shabboss morning and when the Rebbe asked those with special requests to come to him at Seuda Shlisheet/(3rd meal) , Yankel came. When it was his turn, Yankel sat down and the Rebbe asked, "What do you want me to help you with?" Yankel said, "Pray for my hearing, Rebbe." The Rebbe put one hand over Yankel's ear and his other hand on top of his head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, "Yankel, how is your hearing now?" Yankel answered, "I don't know, Rebbe. It's next Wednesday at the courthouse!" Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in. "Abie, we have to move to Westchester," said Sadie. "We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too." Sadie says,"What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!!!" Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue." Abie: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abie and Sadie's on Delancey Street. I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes...and I need those things here tomorrow." "OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don't deliver... .....it's Shabbos." Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to- face with a couple of green Martians. "How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut. "They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology." "OK." says the first. He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested. "I think it's working - light it!" says the second. The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red. "Wow!" says the first, "they must really be impressed." Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Nuuu…Shabbos!" |
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