| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE PRAYER JOKES OF THE WEEK (Start off with a very teefeh joke…ponder it..)
On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg. He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood." Berel's mashgiach was giving his class a long talk on sin, prayer, and forgiveness. When he finished the lesson, he asked little Berel, "What do we have to do before we ask Hashem for forgiveness?"
Little Berel confidently answered "Sin" A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"
The priest on boards says he can pray. Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one." When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works. So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.
What do we muslims call the early call to prayer that wakes us up in the morning? The Allahm clock
Where do Russian Muslims go to prayer? Mosque O
I have a business selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. The prophets are through the roof so I guess you can say that business is booming.
Why do we say Amen at the end of a prayer and not Awomen? Because we sings Hymns and not Hers.
A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish."
The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? " What's the difference between prayer in shul and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
Rabbi Grenberg from Brookly, Bob a doctor, from Teaneck and an Moishe the Real Estate mogul from Lakewood were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers on their weekly game
Moishe was the first to speak up: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" Doctor Bob: I don't know but I've what this riddiculus shlep is all about! Rabbi Greenberg: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." Rabbi Greenberg: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!" (silence) Rabbi Greenberg: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor Bob: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Moishe "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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