| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE LISTENING JOKES OF THE WEEK I wish I'd listened to what my parents told me when I was young... What did they tell you? Me: I don't know, I didn't listen I told myself I should stop drinking...But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself. When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it... The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." What kind of paper likes listening to music? Rapping paper My wife said to me "Are you even listening to me?!" Strange way to start a conversation. People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes. That's just a stereotype. My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater. I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10." I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton... A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read... A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?". "No, not at all", she replies. The man stands and clears his throat. "Bargain", he says, and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal." After listening to me sing, my high school music teacher said that I should be tenor… Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times. What was the drunk driver listening to? The Cars' Greatest Hits. My wife let me listen to her audiobook, but I accidentally deleted it halfway through. Now I'll ….never hear the end of it. What's the difference between a good listener and a kidnapper? A good listener takes people seriously. A cowboy is riding across the plains when he comes across a Pawnee indian lying down with his ear placed against the ground & mumbling something. Knowing what great trackers the Pawnee are the cowboy gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground, but he can't figure out anything just from listening. So he gets up close to the Indian to hear what he's saying: 4 horses. Pulling covered wagon. 2 people riding in front of wagon. 1 man, one woman. 2 children in back of wagon. 1 boy, 1 girl. Girl have cake on lap. Writing on top of cake say, Happy Birthday Jenny! The cowboy jumps up in amazement & says to the Indian, "That's fantastic! You can tell ALL that just by listening to the vibrations from the ground!!!!!" The Indian replies: "No. Them run over me half hour ago!".
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