| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE CLOTHING JOKES OF THE WEEK Benjy had been arrested and was now up before the judge. The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop 3 times?" "Yes," replies Benjy. "Could you please tell the court what you stole." asks the judge. "I stole a dress, your honour," replies Benjy. "Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in 3 times," says the judge. "Yes I did, your honour," says Benjy, "but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before." "Return the dress? Why? I don't understand," says the judge. "Because my wife Bette didn't like the design, your honor." What's a pregnant woman's favorite clothing brand? Fruit of the womb! What did the angel say when it went to heaven? well halo there! After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 2. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. What is DNA's favourite piece of clothing ? Jeans Apparently, scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing. The least dangerous are sweater vests. They're completely armless Moshe and Abe were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn't much they didn't know about the shmatta business. One day, Moshe decided to take a trip to Israel. As Abe had many friends in Israel, he surprised Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Prime Minister. On Moshe's first day back at work after his trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Prime Minister?" Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44 regular." Moshe worked in an upmarket men's clothes shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed Moshe's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous suit we've had in stock for such a long time." "Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom." "That's the one!" said Moshe. "Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really thought we'd never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?" "Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me." Bernie Cohen retires from the New York office of Merrill Lynch after being a broker for 30 years. A friend asks him what he intends to do in retirement. Bernie responds, "The first thing I am going to do is join the New York Racquet Club!" His friend says he can't join because they don't accept Jews. Bernie says, "Not to worry. I know how to get in." So the next week, outfitted like the perfect WASP -blue blazer, white shirt, rep tie, khaki pants, deck shoes sans socks - he goes to the Club and asks to join. The Club Secretary asks him a few questions: "What is your name?" "Bernard Vanderhaven." "Where do you live? "Southampton, New York." "What is your net worth?" "Eight million dollars." "What is your wife's name?" "Melanie." Any children?" "Yes, two daughters, ages eight and six, Buffy and Muffy." "And what is your religion?" "Goyim."
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