| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE BROKEN JOKES OF THE WEEK I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish. Uno. I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken. It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor". The penny marking machine at the US mint just stopped working for no reason. It just doesn't make any cents! Here is a joke about a pencil with a broken tip. Never mind it is pointless. Anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.. I have 10 cookies, you take one. What do you have now? A black eye, broken hand, and no cookie A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen. Police suspect highly organized crime. Why is a broken drum, the best present you can give someone? Because you just can't beat it. A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!' His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness. 'Where are you?' asks the husband. 'Over here on the swing!!' replies the drunk Our distributor shipped us a box of broken calculators. Seriously, we can't count on them at all anymore. Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter. Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off." Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly! Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?" "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzo broken on the perforation!" Berel, Yankel and Moishe were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Berel said to Yankel and Moishe, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Yankel can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Moishe will tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Berel stopped telling jokes and Yankel began to sing. At the 51st floor, Yankel stopped singing and Moishe began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car." When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again. I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." Hashem and the satan were in a dispute over a broken fence. Hashem said you have to pay for half. The Satan said "not paying". Hashem said, "you have to, or I'll sue!" The Satan laughed and said "where are you gonna find a lawyer? | 
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