| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MISSING JOKES OF THE WEEK A city in the north of the United Kingdom has gone missing! The police are looking for Leeds.
Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.
I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it. It was a brief case.
A man's wife is missing…
Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn't come home. Officer: Okay, what's her height? Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5'6? Officer: Okay, weight? Man: I dunno… not slim not big. Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes? Man: Sort of blue, I think? I never really noticed. Officer: What's the colour of her hair? Man: Well, that changes all the time depending on the hair dresser she goes to. Officer: what clothes was she wearing the last time you saw her? Man: Could've been a red dress? Maybe a blue one? I don't know exactly. Officer: when she left to go somewhere, did she go by car? Man: Yeah, she did. Officer: What was the make of that car? Man: it's a high performance 560 horse power Audi in a very specific grey silver metallic paint. It has 8 speed paddle shift automatic transition and a 6.35 litre v12 engine generating at least 560 horse power. It has a z51 super performance package, larger than normal alloy wheels, gt bucket seats, satellite navigation. And unfortunately… a little thin scratch on the front left door handle. Officer: Don't worry, sir. We'll find your car. Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. " The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back? " I used to date a girl who was missing a shin. Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.
I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes. Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.
Why aren't cosmetic students afraid of missing their exams? They love make up tests!
I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right
I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage. I lost my case.
Bob the American and Dudu an Israeli who moved to the states are partners in a ranch in Texas and one day they head into their ranch and find their bull is missing. They plan to buy another one, but only have $500. Bob tells the Dudu, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
So he goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. he is stumped on how to tell the Dudu to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, he tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will he know to come with the trailer from just that word?" Bob replies, "He's an Israeli so he reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.' A man calls the police and reports that his wife has gone missing. A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with "This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table"
The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate. "It's really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take away containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly and even when I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed" The female police officer looks at the man and says "Oh my god, you're an idiot. No wonder your wife has left you." And the male officer says "I don't think she's left him. I think he's right. I've got the same coffee table at my house" | 
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