| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE CHILDBIRTH JOKES OF THE WEEK My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright." Whoever coined the term 'delivery' for childbirth made a big mistake. It should have been called takeout instead.
A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on childbirth.
The Librarian says "Try over there in the C section." God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...
For a guy to catch a cold.... How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.
A woman from Texas who was giving birth went into a coma for a few days. When she woke up, the doctor told her, "Congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you"
The woman replies, "no not him! What did he name the boy?" Doctor: Mason Woman: Oh that's actually not a bad name. How about the girl? Doctor: Madaughter Years later the same woman once again found herself pregnant and once again she went into a coma.
When she woke up she heard that she had twins once again and asked the doctor where they were. The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news." Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?" "Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..." Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?" The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise." "Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?" The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says... "Denephew." A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
A woman gives birth to a boy...
Husband: I know what we should name him. Wife: What? Husband: 'Setting a house on fire' Wife: What? Why? Husband: Because he is arson. My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed. | 
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