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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE DOG JOKES OF THE WEEK
The Rosenberg family dog had been deaf and blind for years. When she started to suffer painful tumors, it was time to put her down. Mrs. Rosenberg gently tried to explain this to her seven-year-old son Moishie, who was taking this all pretty hard. Moishie asked if "Jazzy" would go to heaven. "Well I'm not 100 percent sure that dogs go to heaven," said Mrs. Rosenberg, "But if they do, then I'm sure she would be healthy again and able to do her favorite thing: chase cats." Moishie thought about that for a minute, then said, "So dog heaven must be the same as cat hell." A dog named Moishe is so smart that his master, Chaim Yankel, decides to send him to college. Home for vacation, Chaim Yankel asks him how college is going. "Well," says Moishe the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages." "Really!" says Chaim Yankel. "Say something in a foreign language." Moishe the dog says, "Meow!"? Abe and Irv were neighbors in a Florida retirement community, and both proud pet owners. "My dog is so smart," Abe bragged, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He brings the kid his tip and then brings me the paper, along with my morning medicine." "I know," said Irv. "How could you know?" asked Abe. "Because my dog told me." Bella wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog. So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead. "Oh, my gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?" Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a cocker spaniel. They're common dogs. There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference." They bring the woman the other dog but she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?" To which she responds, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it." A guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. He tells the bartender, "I got a Jewish dog named Moishe. He's so smart he actually talks. Can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?'' ''Dogs can't talk, pal," replied the bartender, "but if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, well, let's just say you don't wanna find out.'' ''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay, Moishe. Tell me – what is on top of a house?'' ''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender. ''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!'' ''Okay, Moishe. Tell me – how does sandpaper feel?'' ''Ruff!" ''What the heck you tryin' to pull, mister?'' said the bartender. ''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question. Okay, Moishe, tell me – who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?'' "Ruth." The bartender had enough and picked up the guy and his dog and threw them onto the sidewalk outside of the bar. Moishe stands up and looks at his owner. "Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Little Moishie Epstein's dog, Benji, was sick and the boy was afraid that his dad would come back from the vet with bad news. As his dad stepped through the door with Benji in his carrier, Moishie rushed to find out what the vet had said. "I'm afraid it's not good news, son," said his father. "The vet thinks Benji's only got another three weeks or so to live." Hearing this, Moishie burst into tears. "But Benji wouldn't want you to be sad," said the father, putting a comforting arm around Moishie's shoulder. "He'd want you to remember all the good times you had together." Moishie rubbed his eyes. "Can we give Benji a funeral?" "Sure we can," said his father. "Can I invite all my friends?" "Of course you can." "And can we have cake and ice-cream?" "Sure, you can have whatever you want." "Dad," said Moishie, "can we kill Benji today?"
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