| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MOUNTAIN JOKES OF THE WEEK How do you make a Swiss roll? Push him off the Alps.
God created the first Swiss and asked him:
"What do you want?" "Mountains," replied the Swiss. God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?" "Cows," said the Swiss. God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss filled a cup with milk and handed it to God. Dear God took the cup, drank it and said, "The milk is really quite good. What more do you want?" "1.20 Swiss Franc." Rabbi Schwartz returns to Israel. My congregants turn to me and ask
" So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?" Me: Yes, it was amazing. Them; Did you enjoy the views? Me: Mmm...No. You: Why? Me: The Mountains blocked the view. Hashem was showing off the mountains he made to his angels. He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.
Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?" Hashem replied, "oh yeah, Andes. Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains? Mountains peak.
What is green and glides down a mountain? A skiwi
I like mountains. But volcanoes are ash holes. (sorry I couldn't resist…)
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas.
While on vacation in Switzerland I see people my age out there climbing mountains, skiing and ziplining and here I am feeling good about myself, because I managed to get my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive. To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.
The cloud goes first. With all of it's cloudy might, it clumps up all the energy possibly and it produces the most majestic form of lightning you could ever imagine. It travels furiously towards the ground and it savagely ruptures a man in half and burns his remains into a handful of ashes. The lake goes second, knowing it was at a disadvantage it waits patiently until there's a full moon and a high wind so the odds are slightly in its favor, and it manages to produce a very decently sized wave that drags and kills a dozen of college students that were lake swimming that night. Finally it's the turn of the mighty mountain. He won in a landslide. Did ya hear about the pilot that flew in to a mountain? He had a bad altitude.
Why are mountains always tired? Because they don't Everest.
Why did the girl break off with the frostbitten mountain climber? She was lack-toes intolerant..
A blizzard hit a remote prison way up in the mountains, the faculty were all evacuated but there was no time to save all the inmates. After the weather calmed down, the roads were snowed over, and would be impassable until the thaw come springtime. Rescuers were flown in to find the the inmates had all perished due to the unbearable cold. It seemed the only think left to do was to remove the bodies to give closure to the families of those involved. It would be a great expense to clear the roads, or could the deceased prisoners be able to be flown out?
When interviewed afterwards, the head coordinator was asked about the logistics of the operation. After considering all options, the choice was made to airlift the bodies after weighing the frozen cons. Why did the chicken lay its egg on the mountain? It wanted to make an egg-roll.
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