RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE MUSIC JOKES OF THE WEEK Yankel: I stood under my Kallah's window and sang a love song to her. She threw me a flower. Berel: then why is there a wound on your head? Yankel: she forgot to take the flowers out of the pot A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?" The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I don't have any money on me. But I'll tell you what. I can show you a miracle. If I do, can I have one on the house?" The bartender sighs and nods, and sees the man take a hamster out of the pocket of his overcoat. Before the bartender can tell the man that animals aren't allowed, the man leans down to the hamster and says, "Play." The hamster darts out of the man's hand, runs up to the grand piano in the bar's corner, and runs across the keys, playing Gershwin songs as he does so. It's incredible. Concert pianists don't play this well! At the end of the hamster's set, everyone applauds, and the bartender pours the man who came in a glass of their best Scotch. The man savors the Scotch, and says, "That was incredible! If I show you another miracle, can I have another drink?" The bartender nods excitedly, and sees the man pull out a frog from his coat this time. He leans in and says, "Sing." The frog opens his mouth and begins singing a deep and rich love song. Everyone stops talking in the bar to listen to this frog. They have tears in their eyes, thinking about the ones they love, the loves that they let slip away. Not a dry eye in the bar. When the frog stops singing, the whole bar bursts into applause, and the weeping bartender gives the man the whole bottle of fine Scotch. One of the businessmen comes up to the man and says, "Hey buddy, you look hard up. I'll give you five thousand dollars for the frog, what do you say?" The man thinks it over, says yes, and accepts five thousand dollars that the businessman offers. The businessman takes the frog and runs out. The bartender, shocked, looks at the man and shouts, "Are you nuts? That frog was beautiful! And it was a FROG! How could you let something worth a fortune go away like that?" The guy takes a swig from the bottle and says, "What are you talking about? My hamster is also a ventriloquist." Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?" Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too. My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing "Danger Zone" 7 times in a row. He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts. Knock knock! Whos There? Kenya! Kenya who? Kenya feel the love tonight! "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."-Jerry Seinfeld "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is."-Steven Wright "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the 'William Tell Overture' without thinking of The Lone Ranger." -Billy Connolly "I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."-George Burns "When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."-Bob Hope "Talking about music is like dancing about architecture." -Steve Martin "I know only two tunes: one of them is 'Yankee Doodle', and the other isn't." -Ulysses S Grant, former US President Q: "What kind of music are balloons afraid of?" A: "Pop music". Me and my friends are in a band called "Duvet." We're a cover band. What part of a turkey is musical? The drumstick. Why couldn't the athlete listen to her music? Because she broke the record. Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear. How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs. |
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