| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE IRAN WAR JOKES OF THE WEEK I tried putting my phone on airplane flight mode, but it told me that option is no longer available in my area… Life in Israel- "Is that chametz on the floor?" "No, it's just missile shrapnel" "Oh Baruch Hashem.." Wartime Israel epiphany. Telling someone a new parent to sleep when their baby sleeps, is about as real as saying take a nap in between sirens. T-Shirt I bought last week. I survived Missiles in Israel & Osher Ad Pesach shopping. Siren songs- Things that sound like sirens. Ambulances. Motorcycles. Pigeons, gusts of wind, creaky doors, Everything sounds like sirens… Israelite Home Front Command in Egypt Biological threat of the Ten Plagues A widespread biological event is affecting the land of Egypt. Manifesting itself as multiple hazardous events (plagues) INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOUSEHOLDS All guidelines remain in force until further notice. Blood- Water Pollution Avoid Nile water- store clean water for use Frogs- amphibian Invasion Seal doorways and remain vigilant at night Lice- Parasitic Infestation Wash thoroughly and wear clean garments Flies-Insect Swarm Avoid all exposed areas cover well all food and drinks Livestock Disease Keep livestock sheltered and healthy Boils- Contagious Sores Burn contaminated rags, treat sores properly Hail-Destructive Storm Seek shelter indoors until storm passes Locusts- Consuming Swarm Seal your home, collect and burn all leftover locust. Darkness- Foul Darkness Keep lamps lit, stay indoors during darkness Death of Firstborns- LETHAL EVENT Immediate life-threatening risk, Occurs during designated night period Requires full compliance with protective instructions REMEMBER FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS SAVES LIVES… If the Iranians really wanted to mess with us they wouldn't use explosives. They would fill their missiles with bread crumbs. Weaponized Chametz The War Time Shower Prayer With this warm shower, may no rocket pay a call And during a siren may no siren sound at all With soap on our hands, may we make no frantic dash Nor run to the shelter mid-suds and mid-splash And while we are dripping and mid-towel drying Maye we not be sent running and frantically flying Mae we safely emerge from this swift hygiene run, Completely rinsed off and not merely half-done May a miracle help us catch a lucky break And let us wash our hair for heaven's sake! There have been ten rocket attacks today. If we hit 13 we'll have to wish each other Mazel Tov on our bomb-mitzva Anyone mind taking a small package for me from our textiles factory in Dimona to Tehran. I got the feeling this morning that the mother of some Iranian is cleaning up her machsan/storage unit and found it full of chametz missiles and she's just throwing them away in panic. You know we're at war, when I got more messages on my phone today from Homefront Command then from Kupat Ha'ir. Today at 2:00 AM switch your clocks to whatever time you want. It's really not relevant to most of us anymore anyways. |
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