| RABBI SCHWARTZ'S OLD SCHOOL JOKES OF THE WEEK My Dad is from the old school, ......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "he put his money in it the same day." "No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!" I gloated. "They won't have to," my mom replied. "He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer." I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No Jerry said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here! My therapist asked me if I ever wake up grumpy. I told her that I usually just let Dad sleep in.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, Sadie unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, Berel, her husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As Sadie got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, Berel yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card." My new neighbor is a grumpy German. I guess you could call him a sour Kraut.
What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!
A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?
The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child. A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go. A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough money. But then later you find out that he went without you anyway. An elderly woman appears in court for stealing
A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor." "Very well then. 6 days in lock-up for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!" My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!" (sorry couldn't resist… too many terrible jokes until now..) Hymie goes to the doctor for his annual head-to-toe checkup. The doctor comes in with a folder full of test results and says, "I've got two major concerns."
The old man says, "Ok doc, let's hear it." Doctor says, "Well, as you know we ran a full body MRI, and we discovered that most of your major organs are riddled with cancer." "Oh no!" the old man exclaims. "And there's more?" The doctor says, "Unfortunately, yes. With your age and lifestyle, you're also showing pretty advanced signs of Alzheimer's." Hymie says, "Wow. That's a lot to take in. But at least it's not cancer." Yankel is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." Yankel smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..." | 
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