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RABBI SCHWARTZ'S TERRIBLE TEST JOKES OF THE WEEK
A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test center. A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “Do you know what blood type you are?” The rabbit responds with: “I think I might be a Type-O.”
My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Got called in for a drug test at work. They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Samuel had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Yoshka had long hair.”
The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
A man takes his wife to get tested. Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.
I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…
The doctor says, “Yankel, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Yankel replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Yankel’s wife.
“Bruchy," he says, “Yankel is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh Ribono shel olam”, exclaims Bruchy. “He’s pishing in the refrigerator again!”
Little Chaim'l brought home his history test result, it was 90. His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.
After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.
" Chaim'l you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to your marks?"
"No, mum, I didn't."
"I am asking you once more. Did you add that 0 to your marks?"
"Mum, no, I didn't add that 0".
" OK, as you're not telling the truth, you are grounded for 1 month."
"Mum, no, please, no, I really didn't add that 0."
" This is your last chance kid, tell me the truth."
"....... I just added the 9 to it."
One blonde tells another "I just took a pregnancy test"
The other replies: "Were the questions hard?"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $56 in change..
Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test. They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.
The professor agrees.
On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "begin."
The students open their exam books and there's only one question. "Which tire went flat?"
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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