| RABBI SCHWARTZ TERRIBLE "SEDER IN A BAR" JOKES OF THE WEEK Chaim asks his father, "What's a man?" His father says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." Chaim replies, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mommy!" Mom logic: If you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don't come running to me! What three words solves all of Dad's problems? "Ask your mother." My dad always taught me to share my toys with my siblings. It wasn't that he wanted me to develop social skills, it's because he was a cheapskate that wanted to spend 50% less money on toys. Boy: "Dad, can you explain a solar eclipse to me?" Dad: "No sun." Berel turned to his son and asked him "Sruli tatteleh, do you think I am a bad father?" His son responded " My name is Yitzy…". Daughter: Mom, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? Mom: I don't know. You'll have to ask grandma. Moishe told his father " For $20, I'll be good." Totty said –" Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing." Who makes the most money from Father's Day? Therapists. Parental Truth - To Mom: "I don't feel good" "Where's my sock?" "Will you make me a sandwich?" To Dad: "Where's Mom?" Why is a computer so smart? It listens to its motherboard. Sweater: Something you wear when your mom gets cold. Gunther the cannibal was pretty late to his cannibal family reunion... ...they gave him the cold shoulder... It never occurred to me how much my parents favored my twin brother until they asked me to pick up the cake for his surprise birthday party. What do you say to your sister when she starts crying? "Are you having a crisis?" Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -George Burns Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. -Cary Grant I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. -Mary Karr Bleeding ulcers run in my family: We give them to each other. -Lois McMaster Bujold The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. -George Carlin When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. -Emo Phillips Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. -Jerry Seinfeld Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to baby-sit. -Anonymous Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. -Sam Levenson Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper. -Friedrich Nietzsche After nearly 50 years, my grandmother has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She hid his teeth. What do you call an angry French aunt? A crossaunt. Shaindy a pregnant woman falls into a coma and doesn't wake up until after her babies are born. She immediately asks the doctor about them. "Your twins are doing great! You had a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you." Like any sister would be, she was quite displeased. "Oh, no. My brother is an idiot. What'd he name them?" " Your daughter's name is Denise," the doctor began. Shaindy was pleased. That wasn't so bad. "And the boy?" "Denephew." | 
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